Good Housekeeping: How to calm your kids' fears

By BETH BROPHY
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING

Planes crashing into skyscrapers. Angry men making nasty threats. Frightened women and children fleeing their country. The images that have been flashing across our TV screens since September 11 are disturbing to us all. For children, who are not only exposed to the trauma on television but also pick up the anxiety of their parents, nighttime is especially fraught now. Bad dreams — and more distressing ones — seem to be on the rise.

At first, you may not know exactly what's troubling your child, says Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., associate director of the Sleep Disorder Center at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, because the images in nightmares are not always literal representations. "Kids may report dreaming about monsters, not burning buildings," she says. You do know, however, that they are frightened, as their little hands shake you or their cries wake you in the night.

To head off bad dreams — whatever their origins — you need to start well before bedtime.

• Turn off the news when kids are around. And limit their exposure to frightening movies and video games.
  
• Choose tranquil activities (no roughhousing or cartoons) at bedtime. Save the most relaxing one — a back rub, a story — for last, and make sure it happens in your child's bedroom, not in the living room or playroom. With older kids, talk about the day and any events they're looking forward to. This isn't the moment for

a discussion of disasters, though reassuring conversations at other times during the day can help quell bad dreams.

Know when nightmares signal a serious problem. A dream that occurs over and over can be one sign, says Patricia Garfield, Ph.D., cofounder of the Association for the Study of Dreams. And having bad dreams frequently is another. Regardless, parents should try to figure out if there's a pattern: Does your child have nightmares only when she spends time with a certain friend or babysitter? Addressing the daytime problem may take care of the nighttime one. If not, a chat with your pediatrician (and possibly a referral to a therapist) may be a good idea.

Don't dismiss the worry with "It's just a dream." A three- or four-year-old has to be given specific proof, Mindell says. "Show her that the dog is not hurt or that her baby sister is safely asleep in her crib."

Help your child describe the dream. And quietly reflect on what happened in it. Praise any detail that shows he took some kind of action — yelling at the monster, for example. "This helps because it shows kids they have power to change the dream," Garfield says.

Suggest ways to make a dream less threatening. One patient Garfield worked with learned how to "put a big X on any scene she didn't like;" another "changed the channel" in her head. Your child may come up with his own ideas.

Tell children that others share their fears. Reading books that deal with nightmares in a sensitive way can offer gentle reassurance. Experts' favorites: Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak, There's a Nightmare in My Closet by Mercer Mayer, and Go Away, Big Green Monster! by Ed Emberley.

Reprinted with Permission of Hearst Communications, Inc. Originally Published: How to Calm Your Kids' Fears

 

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